Monday, January 15, 2001

Vol. I, No. V
Thanksgiving Newsletter

Dear FOD (Followers of Dean® ),

Thanksgiving is once again upon us, and Dean's followers have once again
demanded more news about Dean's comings and goings.

Will Dean have Turkey on Thanksgiving? Will he pass the Cranberry Sauce?
Pumpkin or Squash?

The questions as usual go on seemingly forever, so Dean who must out of
necessity be closed mouthed about his comings and goings (particularly given

the nature of his Top Priority Employment amongst the Veterans of Our Armed
Forces) will only say this:

Dean is very much just like the rest of you (only smarter) , and just like you, He puts his pants on 3 legs at a time. Though many have envisioned Dean traveling to Nepal to feast on some elaborate ceremonial dinner far beyond the understanding of most, in actuality Dean will be indulging in many of the same customs that the rest of you will be practicing (though Dean will be enjoying himself far more than others will, given the nature of his superior capacities.)

But that's just Dean, being Dean and as usual while Dean would love to
visit your home to sample a bit of your Thanksgiving wares, you realize of
course that would be impossible as frankly, Dean Himself has much much better
things to do with his time, and if He were to visit one or two families (at most)
just think of how disappointed those expectant devotees who weren't Graced by
Dean's Presence would feel.

Dean shudders to even think of how horrible that would be. And while, like most Gods, Dean can be capricious on occasion, he certainly is not cruel.

If there's one thing that Dean wouldn't like to do is to disappoint any of his Followers, particularly those who perhaps are too poor to liberally serve the Grand-Marnier that Dean so favors.

So, Dean will just leave you with his Thanksgiving Benediction, courtesy of
Rhode Island's own Swinging Erudites:

"Golly Gosh!
Holy Smoke!
Fuck em if they Can't Take A Joke!"

Vol.I, No.IV
Dean's Vacation Reminder to the Minions

As many of you are well aware, Dean's hectic, dare one might say tumultuous and reverend lifestyle demands some time away in the not to distant future. He asks that you please understand the constant pressure (none of it from any of the thralls of supporters) upon him has been great as of late. With counseling, channeling, day-to-day weather forecasts and the such, He has decided to leave you, in the physical sense of the word.
It is at this time He must share a long and harrowed journey through decision and tribulation, which has brought him to the conclusion that perhaps a vacation, sans physical travel of course should take place. Dean will be out of body (some might even say out of mind, though those infidels will eventually be struck dead given that the average life span of a human being is approximately 62 years) for the next week. He asks even the zealots among you to please notate your weaknesses, strengths and general melancholia so a detailed examination of the aforementioned can be rightfully conducted upon His return. Given that many of you, even the one's who might not be considered worthy by ethical, moral , ISO 9000 or other such standards, should feel free to e-mail Dean at his hotmail account over the coming week:

You may well be thinking, why would Dean do this to us? Why would such a thing be thrust upon a true believer when you well know that you don't deserve it. Please, please be understanding. Would Socrates, as teacher leave troubled students to learn by themselves? The answer of course, is no. In a workaday, restless (some would even say insane crazy world, of course whoever would say this should consider themselves insane crazy), there is still time for an entity to stay in contact while out of body.

Please live life for today--
At the tone, the time will be 11:16:32
Vol. I, No. III
Columbus Day Newsletter

Just in time for the Holidays:

Anyone with a pocket calendar or naturally blessed with a photographic memory like Dean knows that it really isn't Columbus Day yet. But anyone who knows Dean knows that He is always ahead of schedule, people, events and the Law. So it shouldn't come as any surprise that Dean is getting out his Columbus Day Newsletter far, far ahead of all those Johnny-Come-Lately-Jump-On-The-Bandwagon types who won't put theirs out until probably at least weeks from now, when Dean will already be thinking about Thanksgiving, if not already setting upon his appointed mission of dispensing Yuletide Cheer to all those who have proudly served their Country, as Dean, in turn, proudly serves them...

An important issue that keeps coming up is this:
More than one person has posted Dean inquiring whether or not to capitalize the 3rd person pronoun when referring to Dean Himself... After pondering long and wisely, Dean has come to the Solomonic conclusion that it is best for each individual to decide what is right for them, pointing out, however, that while Dean Himself would never place himself above an Anglo-Saxon Deity (alongside is OK), if every Third World country that can bang on a drum and carve out a totem pole, can go around capitalizing their so-called "gods" in whatever primitive Swahili that they try to pass off as scripture, it is only fair that He should be given at least the same
As everyone who follows Dean (and who doesn't?) knows, Dean is quite busy
these days discussing Art and Commerce with New York Socialites, Captains of Industry, and the Big-City Jews , so it stands to reason that Dean unfortunately has just a little bit less time to spend with you this holiday, but of course you understand (While Dean perhaps may seem Omnipotent and Omniscient, He still is
bound, same as you, to Laws of Time, Space and Gravity, dammit!!).
So we must be brief, leaving you with this months letter from someone named "Gary" who's name we'll change to, let's say, "Gary", but it's a different Gary.

Gary writes (in his primitive scrawl):
"Up yours, also!"

Now before Dean's more rabid and fanatical followers start bearing torches to Castle Frankenstein, Dean must point out that he would never give out "Gary's" home address, certainly not without a Ten-Dollar Processing Fee, (MasterCard and Visa accepted), though as any of you who have visited Dean for his near-daily Veterans' In-House Counseling would know, someone as Patriotic as Dean most certainly honors, nay respects, the currency of His chosen Homeland, These United States of America. (and don't you be the one who tries to pass off Counterfeit Communist Canadian Coins!).

However, in "Gary's" defense, Gary did post his comment in his native
Albanian, where the phrase "Up yours!" is dangerously close to "Praise be
to..." and his seemingly blasphemous statement may strictly be a translator's
So Dean asks you not to be too hard on him. It is almost time for Dean to administer to his Veteran's who've become quite dependent upon Dean to be there for them, and as you all know: Dean IS synonymous with Duty.

Please feel free to visit Dean (not at home, please), but at his Veterans' Center, keeping in mind that because of Inflation (don't believe what the Pinko New Yawk Times tells you), the preferred rate for Dean's unselfish use of his Valuable Time is now shockingly less than one would think (or darn close to more than a buck, American per-session.

If for some reason, you can't afford the fee per session, Dean has graciously created a Form For Indigents that you can fill out and sign, which will be posted on the Main Bulletin Board so that others will have sympathy for you during your period of Financial Crisis.

Until next time, Dean will leave you with this Aristotelian Tautology:
Dean is Dean. Ponder that, if you can
Vol. I, No. II
Labor Day Newsletter

Dean, as one would imagine, is quite fond of the tome. His minions, as you so eloquently put it, will very much ingest the philanthropic feel, (vis-a-vis) douching.
Dean would like to extend his dearest thank you for submitting the Labor Day Newsletter, however given the value vs. time differential, he is unable at this time to actually give thanks, much less discuss it at any reasonable length. The workers shall post this for all to see. Amen, Hallelujah.

Dear FOD (Followers of Dean®),
The Labor Day Weekend hasn't even come-and-gone and already anyone who is anyone is already asking, "What's Dean doing?"
Well as everyone who follows Dean is more-than-aware of, Dean spends a
great portion of his time working with various charities, charities far too
numerous to mention here.
And anyway, Dean is far too modest to mention all of the philanthropic endeavors that he's personally or semi-personally involved with even if he did
actually have the time to list them here.
Needless to say, most of Dean's vacation was spent counseling local Veterans of Foreign Wars, listening intently to each and every last client relate
their various war-related trials and tribulations, all-the-while generously
serving them refreshments, while just as liberally dispensing Deanist
philosophy, so right, so very, very perfect, so down-to-earth, yet lofty,
that it truly speaks volumes to each and every individual who comes from
miles away just to seek Dean's wisdom.
Dean speaks equally as well to the overtaxed working man swinging a
30-pound hammer on the railroad as he does to the Ivory Tower Elitist
Intellectual simpering over his Paulist philosophy.
All come away shaking their heads in wonder at Dean's profound sagacity.
Even more amazingly, Dean often councils these Veterans for hours on end,
often into the wee hours of the morning, yet accepting only token donations
often of a dollar or less. (Unlike many greed-soaked so-called-psychotherapists and charlatans, Dean would rather cut off his very arm than charge 75 bucks an hour. And for a 50-minute hour at that!!!)
To Dean, an Hour is 60 full minutes, nothing less!!
But then we've come to expect that from Dean, haven't we?
BTW, Dean is terribly sorry that he wasn't able to invite all of you to
Malibu for Sunday brunch, but after all, you know that deep in your heart you
haven't quite earned the right to Jet Set with Dean, not yet, anyway.
But don't quit trying.
Dean hates a quitter.
And as stated before, although, obviously Dean is far too busy to communicate with each and every individual who is Fortunate Enough to have
Dean's private e-dress, he will however, from time to time and as Dean's
more-than-valuable (certainly much more valuable than yours) time allows, he
will post excerpts from various posts that he's received, most which rightly
praise Dean to the High Heavens themselves.
This month's post comes from someone who purports to call himself "Bob", but for reasons of privacy, we'll call him "Zeke" here.
Because of space and time demands upon Dean, we've only been able to
produce a small excerpt from "Zeke's" post.

Blessed to be one of the chosen ones..."Zeke"

Dear "Zeke",
You're very welcome.

All for now.
P.S. The Mai-Tai's in Malibu are refreshing, particularly poolside.
Wish you were here!
(Dean doesn't of course wish you all were here, but Dean enjoys signing
off that way.)
Vol. I, No. I
Portnoy's Complaint

In today's can't see the forest for the trees, baby with the bathwater, cash, checque or Mastercard world, you MUST understand how important it is for one as busy as Dean to practically budget his terribly valuable time--time that would be far more beneficial to humanity if spent conducting his endlessly-ongoing research into realms far too complicated to discuss here, particularly with those who (and you know who you are!) couldn't possibly comprehend anyway--but better this than having to daily perform the onerous task (not to be confused with his daily task of committing the Sin of Onan) of responding to those who quite frankly are not worthy of his time but nevertheless obligations are obligations, n'est pas?
Therefore, Dean is now employing a full-time Doppelganger to make it appear that he is actually interested in co-responding with those insidious individuals who have somehow slithered into his e-dress book, and that no program on earth could possibly make go away.
All missives, musings, masturbatory moanings and megalomania will still bear the Dean signature, and indeed, will be considered as if they were actually postings from Dean, because I'm sure, like Dean, you don't actually give a shit, or donate excrement, if you will.
Because Dean is an idea, a state of mind, a trademarked brand-name, if you will, that as part of the Collective Unconscious, belongs to all of us yet truly none of us, as mysterious, dangerous and foreign as the Mystery of the Holy Spirit, nee Ghost, though without actually passing the collection-plate and it is more than enough to bon chance receive a missive from Dean, an honor if you want to get down to it, that does not go unappreciated by Dean who has now taken on the affectation of referring to himself in the third person, much like Wade Boggs, though unlike Wade, he has not perfected the ability of willing himself invisible, though he could if that were necessary.
I'm sure you'll admit, that if you were Dean, you'd do the same.
And yet, existentialist philosophy aside, you will still have the pleasure of being treated to Dean-like observations, sui genesis-like, so the family is well, the job is great, and keep those cards and letters coming, because, Dean, as you are well-aware, cares about each and every one of you, far far more than you could ever know.
Dante Bichette is the second coming of Jose Canseco.
and bookmark this:
Dean is now going out for breakfast. He'd love for you to join him but at present he's trying to keep his entourage down to manageable numbers. Please don't be offended; I'm sure if you call his office, he will consider having you join him at another date or neutral venue.
But I digress...
Your Best & Dearest Friend,