Vol. I, No. III
Columbus Day Newsletter
Just in time for the Holidays:
Anyone with a pocket calendar or naturally blessed with a photographic memory like Dean knows that it really isn't Columbus Day yet. But anyone who knows Dean knows that He is always ahead of schedule, people, events and the Law. So it shouldn't come as any surprise that Dean is getting out his Columbus Day Newsletter far, far ahead of all those Johnny-Come-Lately-Jump-On-The-Bandwagon types who won't put theirs out until probably at least weeks from now, when Dean will already be thinking about Thanksgiving, if not already setting upon his appointed mission of dispensing Yuletide Cheer to all those who have proudly served their Country, as Dean, in turn, proudly serves them...
An important issue that keeps coming up is this:
More than one person has posted Dean inquiring whether or not to capitalize the 3rd person pronoun when referring to Dean Himself... After pondering long and wisely, Dean has come to the Solomonic conclusion that it is best for each individual to decide what is right for them, pointing out, however, that while Dean Himself would never place himself above an Anglo-Saxon Deity (alongside is OK), if every Third World country that can bang on a drum and carve out a totem pole, can go around capitalizing their so-called "gods" in whatever primitive Swahili that they try to pass off as scripture, it is only fair that He should be given at least the same
As everyone who follows Dean (and who doesn't?) knows, Dean is quite busy
these days discussing Art and Commerce with New York Socialites, Captains of Industry, and the Big-City Jews , so it stands to reason that Dean unfortunately has just a little bit less time to spend with you this holiday, but of course you understand (While Dean perhaps may seem Omnipotent and Omniscient, He still is
bound, same as you, to Laws of Time, Space and Gravity, dammit!!).
So we must be brief, leaving you with this months letter from someone named "Gary" who's name we'll change to, let's say, "Gary", but it's a different Gary.
Gary writes (in his primitive scrawl):
"Up yours, also!"
Now before Dean's more rabid and fanatical followers start bearing torches to Castle Frankenstein, Dean must point out that he would never give out "Gary's" home address, certainly not without a Ten-Dollar Processing Fee, (MasterCard and Visa accepted), though as any of you who have visited Dean for his near-daily Veterans' In-House Counseling would know, someone as Patriotic as Dean most certainly honors, nay respects, the currency of His chosen Homeland, These United States of America. (and don't you be the one who tries to pass off Counterfeit Communist Canadian Coins!).
However, in "Gary's" defense, Gary did post his comment in his native
Albanian, where the phrase "Up yours!" is dangerously close to "Praise be
to..." and his seemingly blasphemous statement may strictly be a translator's
So Dean asks you not to be too hard on him. It is almost time for Dean to administer to his Veteran's who've become quite dependent upon Dean to be there for them, and as you all know: Dean IS synonymous with Duty.
Please feel free to visit Dean (not at home, please), but at his Veterans' Center, keeping in mind that because of Inflation (don't believe what the Pinko New Yawk Times tells you), the preferred rate for Dean's unselfish use of his Valuable Time is now shockingly less than one would think (or darn close to more than a buck, American per-session.
If for some reason, you can't afford the fee per session, Dean has graciously created a Form For Indigents that you can fill out and sign, which will be posted on the Main Bulletin Board so that others will have sympathy for you during your period of Financial Crisis.
Until next time, Dean will leave you with this Aristotelian Tautology:
Dean is Dean. Ponder that, if you can